The Relationship’s Emotional Rock

Love relies on compromise and nurture. Through the lifetime of any relationship, there’s give and take between the parties involved romantically. Emotions are a touchy subject, particularly between two people. One person may feel like they’re putting in all the effort, supporting their partner emotionally. The other may feel like the connection is lost all together.

Over time, two people can disconnect because they feel the love and attachment fades within a marriage or relationship. We are human. We feel emotion. Still, so many of us ignore that part of ourselves, and in turn, disregard it in others. Romance is more than lust and attraction, it’s support and intimacy, emotionally and physically. Here are a few tips to emotional stability within relationships:

The important thing is that you gently communicate your feelings, so you both know where you stand and so you can figure out how best to help one another deal with the situation.

Emotionally Supporting Your Partner by Barton Goldsmith Ph.D.
  1. Touch Each Other: People need human touch, and in certain circumstances, a loving embrace works better to communicate than words. When your partner is upset and frustrated, even touching their hand or arm could put them at ease.
  2. Communicate and Listen: Both men and women want to be heard. We all want to express ourselves and have our feelings validated. It’s hard to remember, as a partner, that we don’t have to give our opinion in every situation, rather we should provide our support in whatever our loved ones are going through.
  3. Deal with Stress Together: Stress is a catalyst for negative emotions. When one thing goes wrong, so does everything else, as it would seem. This takes a toll on everyone involved and is completely unavoidable. The best way to handle it is together, with open lines of communication and compassion.
  4. Take Care of Yourself: In a relationship, both parties have to work on fixing each other’s issues together. Yet, sometimes we get so involved with helping those around us, we forget to take care of our needs. Love and partnership helps in making yourself a better person, but self-care is still necessary for long term mental health.
  5. Emotions are Handled Differently: Depending on how a person was raised and their genetic make-up, humans all express themselves in their own ways. As you spend more time with someone, you’ll notice what their ticks are, based on what they’re feeling. Through observation before action, a person can infer a situation by a person’s body language.

Men release less Oxycontin than women when they are stressed, meaning they have a stronger reaction from both cortisol and epinephrine. [Women nurture] those around them in an effort to both protect themselves and their young. Men [are] more likely to have the “fight or flight” response when it comes to stress – either repressing their emotions and trying to escape the situation, or fighting back.

HOW TO HANDLE YOUR PARTNER’S STRESS Posted by: Team Tony

We are flawed, imperfect beings with irrational emotions, and intellectual minds. The emotional rock in a relationship is handed back and forth. Sometimes, you’ll be the one that needs a shoulder to lean on. Other times, you’ll be the shoulder that is leaned upon. Beyond physical pleasure, the joy and beauty in being with another person is having someone to go through it all, together.

Adulthood and the Death of Youth

Coming of age is a staple theme in the modern day of storytelling. Everyone has a story from back in the day, and it’s commonly portrayed in literature and TV. Something that universally unites us as humans is witnessing our life change overnight and facing the price of freedom known as responsibility.

Once upon a time, we all had a dream. When someone asked us as a child what we wanted to be, we said and array of things: doctor, vet, pilot, fireman, actor, musician, etc. For many, getting older meant letting go of said dreams and facing reality. When do we become adults? Is it when we’re financially stable, married, have children, or all of the above?

[According to new research by CBS’ TV ratings guru David Poltrack and Nielsen Catalina Solutions], 30 happens to be the age at which millennials tend to self-identify as adults.

Millennials Don’t Consider Themselves Adults Until 30, Researcher Says byTony Maglio 

Way back when, boys and girls were considered adults at the age of twelve and thirteen. If you’ve read or seen The Lord of the Rings, the fantasy race of Hobbits reach adulthood at the age of 33. Who knew J.R.R. Tolkien could foresee where human development was headed?

But, it is the millenial parents who have convinced us that we aren’t adults. From financial support to constant approval, the Baby Boomers (born between 1946 and 1964) are constantly involved in their children’s adult lives.

We all have or have known a parent who had a hand in their child’s homework, always cleaned up after them, took care of situations for them, or constantly reminded them of things they were capable of handling on their own. In these parents’ eyes, they were and still are doing what’s best for their children. What suffers is the child’s on confidence in handling themselves as an adult.

As a result of not being babied or supervised themselves as children, as well as cultural shifts in parenting norms through the progression of technology, these generations overcompensated in their involvement with their Millennial children.

How Baby Boomer Parents Molded the Millennial Generation by Ilana Bodker

At 25, there are other young adults I know who don’t know how to do taxes, how to change a tire, cut the grass, or even use the right settings on the laundry machine. Instead of figuring this stuff out on our own, the first thing we do is call our parents and ask for help. These are the same parents who lecture us about how we need to “grow up.”

For me, adulthood is being financially and emotionally independent. Even with your parents, taking someone else’s money comes with a price. Letting go of the emotional reliance we have with our parents from birth is the only way to develop a relationship and family of your own.

Being young is liberating and fun in it’s own way, but it isn’t truly free. Getting stuck between adulthood and adolescence is stressful, and takes a toll on our mental health. I used to be scared of being an adult and controlling my own outcome, because I’d probably mess it up. It’s nothing to be scared of, adults fail all the time going after their dream. Adults make mistakes they have to fix. Adults figure it out on their own. We all have the same ability to take control of our own life.

Comparing Life Courses with Millennials

In the world of modern-day America, Millennials often find their measurement of success based on what others portray. From friend groups and social media, there is always someone the same age who appears to have a better life. Even with a Bachelor’s degree, finding a job that justifies four years of work seems impossible. Next thing you know, you’re back at home hearing about how the children of your parent’s friends are making $80k-100k a year while you struggle to find something for $30k.

Zillow analysis finds 22.5 percent of Millennials are living at home with their moms or both parents.

Press Release: Share of Millennials Living with Mom on the Rise” May 10, 2018

The idea of continuing education after high school used to be studying a field of interest. Now, it’s all about vocation, if you’re not getting a degree to get a job, then you’re wasting time. Somewhere, there’s a minority of students who actually find success in majors such as Art, English, Music, Philosophy, etc. The rest of us, however, are moving from job to job, testing out different careers, trying to earn a respectable living. But, we’re still working!

It’s frustrating, not doing what you’ve always dreamed of because “you have to make money.” Then money becomes all you think about since it’ll bring happiness. Is it really all about money? Indeed, I’ve seen people who make an immense amount doing something they love, yet it seems more like an anomaly than reality.

Constantly, I forget that what people tell you, what they portray on to the world, is only the best parts. People talk about how great their children are, how much money they’re making, boasting themselves to make others feel inferior. The worst part is that it works and it never goes away. As individuals in the same society, we have the insatiable need to validate ourselves to others, making us feel superior.

About 21 percent of Millennials report switching jobs within the last year, and 60 percent are open to a different opportunity.

“Key Statistics About Millennials In The Workplace” by MARK EMMONS October 9, 2018

“Oh wait,” you say. “I don’t do that.” Then what are all your posts on Facebook? What are the painted lies you tell others? We’re all human. Jealousy and guilt are in our nature, so that leads us to be unhappy with where we are. We got it from our parents.

Though, there is no one to blame but ourselves. Regret is a catalyst for depression. Next thing you know, you’re looking in the mirror wondering what you did with your life and how you ended up there. It’s a lonely feeling, yet you’re not alone.

It may seem like everyone around you is happier in their success, but the fact remains we’re all trying to figure out life. The only thing to do is to keep trying. Keep working at what you actually want to do and turn it into income. Take the value of money out of the equation and ask yourself, is this my purpose?

I’m still in that position, searching. It’s difficult to see the future in a world of instant gratification, but it’s there. As the saying goes, “You only fail when you quit trying.” If you keep working at it, then one day, you’ll be where you want to be.

Words that Need to be Said to those Feeling Isolated #GuestPost by MeetRhey

This is not a challenge exclusive to people with depression or some form of mental illness. It is not just about people being physically alone for extended periods of time. A person can feel isolated even in a room mixed with strangers and familiar faces.

When I think of isolation, I think of the absence of deep human connection. It is about not having more to talk about then just the weather.  It’s not knowing someone who genuinely cares for you. I’m not necessarily referring to a significant other, but it also may be not having a friend or family members who express they care about how you are doing.

For those who are isolated, the thought of not having a support system sucks – for lack of a better word. It’s scary to think about how few people would care if something bad happened to you. Reaching out when you have this ‘nobody cares’ mindset, is difficult. Other barriers outside of just mentality are geographical distance, cultural or religious differences, and having other ‘priorities’.

The last thing I think anyone wants is pity. If that is ever your intention, do not even bother. Otherwise, liking and commenting a one liner on someone’s social media is not the kind of effort that is going to cut it. If you are trying to show genuine compassion towards someone who you believe needs it, there are three actions to strive for in your interaction with them.

Listen. Value. Support.

You want to give them the opportunity to express how they feel if they want to. Do not push them. However, if they are willing to share anything, be present while they let it all out.

Feel honoured to be with them when they are most vulnerable. It is one thing for a person to say they are not okay and leave it at that. It is another for them to openly express what is on their mind. Acknowledge what they are telling you and emphasize how important it is for them to reach out when needed.

Here are some things you can say to support someone you care for:

Listen (The goal is to get them to explore how they are feeling)

  • How have your days/nights been?
  • What have you been up to recently?
  • Tell me more about …
  • What do you regret?
  • What happened next?

Value (The goal is to validate their feelings)

  • Thank you for telling me.
  • That must have been difficult.
  • I can’t imagine what that was like.
  • That reminds me of…              
  • I don’t know how I would have responded if I was in that situation.

Support (The goal is to encourage them to reach out again)

  • I am always a phone call/text message away if you ever need someone to talk to.
  • Would you like to hang out/talk again?
  • The good thing is that…
  • What is something you would like to do right now?
  • Who has been your support through this?

Remember that they are not necessarily looking for you to be their problem solver or give an opinion on the situation. It’s usually just having someone who they feel comfortable enough to confide in outside of their own bubble. Whatever words you end up using to support someone feeling isolated, as long as there are good intentions, it will come across.

MeetRhey is a personal growth blogger advocating for individuality and potential. Please visit her blog for more

https://meetrhey.wordpress.com/

Conquering Procrastination

Guilt is the causing element for putting off things that need to be done. People avoid doing the things that will benefit them the most by distracting themselves with errands that don’t hold any meaning. For instance, someone may spend their day cleaning instead of working on the project they had promised themselves to finish. It’s as though procrastinating as an adult is easier than as a kid.

In school, students put off studying or writing a paper until the night before. Still, they finished it. As an adult, there are no deadlines for personal goals and aspirations. It’s up to the individual to make whatever dream they want, happen. Most would think that the freedom of adulthood would allow dreams to be met with full force.

Something else happens. As a grown-up, there aren’t teachers and parents breathing down one’s shoulder. Without that pressure, uncertainty  overtakes the person wishing to achieve the impossible.

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Here, a healthy person, with a sound mind, finds almost anything else to do than their own deepest desires, as if they believe that dreaming alone will make wishes come true. So instead of doing, they fear risk of failing, not even trying. Then comes in guilt, and no one wants to feel guilt. Guilt is a transferable emotion. Instead of taking responsibility for laziness, blame the spouse, kids, or parents. It’s everyone else’s fault.

Coming full circle, procrastinating one’s life goals is more dangerous as an adult than as a child. It’s difficult for some to accept that part of themselves. As the narrators of our own lives, we tend to think of our own self as a perfect protagonist, flawless and good. Yet, we are human.

Procrastination isn’t an action, it’s a feeling. One must accept their feeling in order to move past it. No matter how many times you’re told, it’s never too late. Don’t put off going after what you want. There will always be an excuse. Just go after it. Be who you want to be. Stop dreaming. Start doing.

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Finding Friends in 2019

In growing older, moving away, and entering relationships, developing friendships becomes increasingly more difficult. The workplace is an excellent path to meeting new people, and so is being outgoing and attending local events. Yet, what about people we aren’t as antiquated with the social nuances of simple small talk?

Even being surrounded by so many others, a person can feel lonely. I’ve struggled to maintain the relationships I’ve had with current friends while also finding couples that can work my marriage. With adulthood encroaching and the daily stress of responsibility, it’s easy to get swept into the mundane.

As I’ve aged, I’ve found myself reaching out to those I’ve disconnected with and abandoned for selfish reasons. Misinterpretation of betrayal and the guilt of being a bad friend had led me to distance myself from those who cared. The only thing I could do was apologize and hope for some understanding.

When meeting new people, I’ve found the harder you search, the less you’ll find. There have been women I’ve met who I thought we could be friends, and yet nothing came of that. There have been others who I assume like me, but I can’t find the energy to get out of the house. I’m constantly between wanting to run away and finding myself craving the social company of someone I can be around. It’s a frustrating matter.

Finding friends doesn’t always mean searching. Sometimes, you’ll go to an event and met a complete stranger that you click with. Sometimes, you need to make the first step. I’ve overwhelmed others with the way I want to get in there 100%. In my experience, it’s a lot like dating, without the romance. Like some, I waited for people to come to me. Now, I try to engage in conversation with anyone who’s willing to converse.

I’m still not as good as I should be in keeping up with communicating with people from the past. But I’ll always have fond memories of my personal encounters, and I hope that they will too.

Falling in Love Online

I grew up in the generation of emerging internet and uninformed parents. My parents were going through a divorce when I entered middle school. With emotion and hormones coursing through my veins, I sought love and understanding from an outside source: the internet.

Nowadays, it’s the norm to converse, flirt, and engage with complete strangers. Phone apps and websites make these interactions appear “safe.” What exactly is safe about it? I’ve used such means of meeting potential lovers, and for me, they all ended in disappointment.

From the age thirteen to twenty, I always had an “internet relationship.” In fact, I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I met my husband, which happened in our Rhetoric Composition class at college (not online). In many ways, my formative years with online lovers hindered me in meeting someone real.

Of course, I had many other person issues that I had to overcome, but I was also stuck believing that the internet was a real place to fall in love. The problem with meeting someone online before you meet them in real life is that you fall for the idea you have of a person, not the actual person.

With a medium of text and photos, your mind forms an ideal image of what this person is, rather than who they are. Often, when you meet said person from the internet, they’re almost always not what you expected. You give them a try anyway, because otherwise all that time and energy you spent on them was for nothing.

I’m sure there are success stories out there, and I don’t discount the possibility to find your “perfect match” online, but meeting someone first, in real life, triumphs over imagination on an LCD screen. When you meet someone in person, there are countless, subconscious signals that come into play: body language, pheromones, chemistry, and gut reaction.

People need people in person. Dating apps and websites aren’t a free service, they are monetized and made to profit. If you’re lonely and want to find love, deactivate those accounts, and go meet someone doing an activity you enjoy. Love cannot be mimicked by a phone, it’s only masked.

Although I sometimes wonder what my life would be like had I not engaged with faceless strangers on the internet, it’s important for me to not regret my past decisions. What matters most to me is that the love I have now is real. We met at a physical place in time, knowing immediately we were meant to be without anything between.