People look at you and wonder how you could ever feel that way. The darkness of your mind, scars from your past, and consequences of your actions haunt you, following every step you make toward the light. You don’t know how to tell the people closest to you about the thoughts that infect your mind, because for a long time, you’ve thought something was wrong with you. The kindness and sincerity you put out into the world returns to hurt you.
Since you could remember, you’ve bottled your emotions, pushing them back to a place that you couldn’t see. You didn’t know how else to handle the pain. It never occurred to you that over a decade later, those scars would tear open and damage everything you touched. Your need for love and understanding became confined to a space online that felt comfortable because it wasn’t real, or at least that’s how it appeared.
Emotions aren’t positive or negative. The human brain is wired to categorize things as positive or negative, and is particularly alert to threats. […] As humans developed language, we employed the same process of classification to our internal state, including our emotions.How to Manage Your Emotions By Rob Kendall
What makes you hate yourself more is not being able to express yourself in a way that others could understand. For when you try to talk, your emotions come out jumbled, unclear, and misrepresented. It’s not that you don’t trust the people you love, or that you don’t feel comfortable talking to them. It’s that you hate that you feel that way to begin with. You hate yourself for not being able to talk about, and for holding it in. You hate that no matter how much love someone throws at you, it takes a long time for you to open up, and you can’t find a logical explanation as to why.
The paradox is you want someone to listen, to understand. You want to feel better. You want to be better. You want to be normal. You’re cynical and apprehensive because the love you grew watching wasn’t real. You remember sitting at the top of the stairs, watching your parents fight, trying to understand how that was love. You talked to strangers online since you feared real intimacy. You isolated yourself from everyone due to shame of being broken and pitied.
If we keep on suppressing our negative emotions they get buried in our subconscious mind which often results in mood swings, unexplained sadness, and mild depression. If in the future whenever we face any problem, we won’t just feel bad because of the current problem but also because of these suppressed emotions that we are holding on to.Effects of suppressing emotions and emotional numbness By Hanan Parvez
You try understanding yourself.
You look in the mirror and all you see are flaws. You must deal with it and face the parts you pushed away. You know that you’re the only one who can heal you. It’s like your talking in circles to yourself. Logic is slapping you in the face, yet this twisting discomfort in your stomach tells you otherwise. You want some consistency, but your sanity fluctuates. It doesn’t matter how many articles you read, lectures you watch, or stories you hear, you tell yourself — with a sense of doubt — that you’re confident, strong, and worthy.
It takes time. You take time to heal. You take time to grow and change. Be patience with yourself, even on your worst days. Love yourself, especially when it’s the hardest. Understand your flaws and accept the person you are, no matter how hard it is. You may not change overnight, you may not change next month, but with every step forward, you’re improving, and that’s what matters.